A Downward/Upward Trend

Despite my concentrations in Anthropology and Women's Studies, I have the organizational habits of your most meticulous neurodegenerative researcher. Allow me to display a recent finding of mine in the relationship between Jackie's overall happiness level and time spent in the United States after traveling.

Every week I consulted in my Excel spreadsheet and rated my week on a scale of 1-10, 10 of course being amazing and 1 being terrible. As you can see, post-election was zero. I have only bounced back from that week a little bit.

Now, part of this downward trend was my post-travel depression and continuous culture shock. Even a month or two back in the United States, I felt as if I had been transported back in time. It was harder for me to connect to people that I once knew, and made me wonder if I would ever be able to construct a community ever again. There seemed to be a trade-off – in exchange for pursuing my aspirations with regards to international experience, I would have to forfeit the comfort of a community or a place of belonging. Many times we construct binaries as a means to make choices easier, but in all my efforts in exploring the gray matter, it seemed as if this situation was very much black and white.

This may make me sound like I abhor the sedimentary lifestyle – to be sure, in starting this blog I have complained many times about the mundane daily life of a student. “Mundane” would have been an accurate description of what my daily life was like a year ago, but in opening myself up to the Humanities and Social Sciences, I want to take back what I said. Too many adults have told me how much they missed their undergraduate years. What other time in one’s life will you be situated on a plot of land densely populated with young intellectuals with little responsibility? If one does not end up dwelling in academia for the rest of one’s life, what other time can there be to do the most intellectual exploration? When will there be this much room for error?

Life doesn’t stop at the undergraduate diploma, but it certainly takes a turn for a different mode of living – one in which I am not yet ready to pursue. There is another reason why you are seeing the downward trend in the graph presented earlier. If I could sum up my studies simply, it is that I am learning about problems and how to see them. I am peeling back the surface of society layer by layer, exposing alternative forms of truth and inklings of micro aggressions that have been lost in conversation. It is beautiful and painful at the same time. I am giddy at the new revelations, but petrified and frozen by the inability to fathom a reputable solution to the problems I have discovered. I have become increasingly depressed because the more I know the more I do not know. What is the point of learning about deeply-embedded societal issues and its ramifications if I cannot solve them? My single academic voice is insignificant in the battle against these issues. Over the course of this semester I have learned more and have begun to value myself less and less. I see myself coming increasingly closer to my graduation date but I am not ready to enter the non-student, non-academic world. I cannot see how I may function without the routine of school life and a lifestyle free of bills to pay and debt to owe.

Travel is wonderful. But there are different things that can be accomplished by staying in one place. So while I do feel pangs of envy as I witness fellow travelers posting on social media about their continued journeys, I am thankful for giving myself time to sit down and soak up what my school has to offer as well as the opportunity to solidify enduring social relationships with individuals here. As stressful as it may be, I don’t think I could ever get enough of academia. But graduation will be coming whether or not I want it to, so I can only really cherish in what I have right now.

I received two scholarships that will generously be paying for my time to study abroad in Amman, Jordan next semester. There is no Anthropology or Women’s Studies offered in this program, but I think it will be wise to take the time and learn in an alternative way – be it from understanding water conflict in the Middle East, undergoing cultural immersion, and/or volunteering with a local non-profit organization.

The adventure continues.