Square One
A. gently opens the white-frame window for the eighth time tonight and nestles herself in that all too familiar spot. Feet propped on the top of the heater and bum balanced on the window sill, she leans back against the frame whose glossy polish has become matte from frequent use. She places her hand-rolled cigarette between her lips and her face is temporarily illuminated with a yellow glow from her lighter. She releases a long sigh as the smoke glides out from her mouth and into the cold misty night air of Berlin. Brahms' 3rd symphony is playing somewhere in the background. The orchestra is approaching section F of movement 2 when the violins suddenly pour their hearts out for a final touch. I remember playing this part, giving 200% through my violin, for this would be the last time I would be on this stage again.
I ramble on.
I was talking about something. But I don't remember what it was anymore. I only remember feeling this urge to expose myself, a strange admiration for A, and a sense of desperation to seek advice from someone I could trust. Trust? But I've only known this woman for one night. Yet here I was telling her things I have rarely even admitted to myself. Perhaps because I was seeking answers and felt that A. in all her brilliance and rich experiences would have them. In a way, she did. And I am glad I could generate that kind of trust between us.
Recently, I have been doing some more self-reflection than usual. I often contemplate and question every little thing I do, and following those questions I can re-evaluate and produce an answer. Sometimes these answers come easily, if not at least a little difficult to handle but not immensely so. I haven't been thrown into a disorientating, cold, dark abyss for a very long time. But here I am, back to square one, as if I have not progressed at all.
The start of this blog was to find my "personal freedom" - a way for me to keep growing in the best possible way that I could, to find that path which makes me the best possible person I can become. Travel was easily the way to do it. My particular way of traveling and pushing myself into the unfamiliar and uncomfortable - that was the way I could attain my "personal freedom." Granted, it had been working so far. All my adventures, from Japan to Norway to Nepal to Vietnam, have reshaped me into a person I am so very proud of at the moment. I have met people from all different walks of life and I am thankful everyday for having the opportunity to do something like this. Travel has gotten me so far. It has been life-changing.
But as I was approaching the date for my flight to Berlin, knowing I would not be back for many months, even a year, images of all the things I would lack flashed through my mind. On the subway coming back to Brooklyn, I would think about the amount of bridges I have either burned or have neglected to maintain due to my little excursions and adventures around the world. At such a crucial and early time of my life, I was engrossed in being extremely selfish and doing everything that I desired for my own personal development. I have been happy. I have seen equal parts beauty and terror. But I ran a little bit too fast, blinded by my own ambitions and only realize now the consequences of my glorious actions.
Everything has pros and cons, even travel. This entire blog and my attitude always saw the pros of travel outweighing the cons. But you can say that I am taking a step back to examine what is actually happening, and that the cons are starting to outweigh the pros. For too long I have been comfortable, to the point where the thought of travel as the ultimate path to my happiness was a given. I have forgotten that paths change and that the trajectory of any life is that of a feather in the wind. Perhaps travel was once the sure way to go, but I believe that my time has come to find another way. Similar to my moment of realization when the world of classical music was not meant for me, the glorious days of conservatory and being on the stage, I have to redirect myself and find my way again. That is what I have to do, but it is in no way easy.
This doesn't mean I will go back to New York and stay in one place for the rest of my life. No. Travel will always be a core part of me, but the time calls for something else.
As a reminder to my readers and even more so to myself, this blog is not about the journeys I take to other places nor the crazy things I see, but the rather the journey I embark deeper into myself, whether that be via airplanes or books or something completely new.
